


Kindred Spirits

by torikabori



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: (after some Ambiguous Happy Ending in which Nort is beat and Nort'd children are rescued), Gen, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-25 02:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4943278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torikabori/pseuds/torikabori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the dust settled in the aftermath of Xehanort's defeat, everyone else seemed to be doing just fine, so Terra did his best to pretend he was too.</p><p>But he was grateful, in a way, to be dragged along on this month-long trip to a rebuilt Radiant Garden. Not because he was up to any kind of vacationing so soon after getting his body back, but because he might not otherwise have met someone who understood what he was going through.</p><p>Isa, meanwhile, just wanted to get through the damn day in peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Someone to talk to

**Author's Note:**

> l m a o okay so......... I've been working on this concept off and on since 5ever but only just figured out how to make this first chapter work. I know many people are probably thinking, "yo, Terra/Isa is such a weird ship, why would you have a crackship as one of the main couples in your magnum opus? also why would you ship this strange thing?" WELL, MY FRIENDS................ this fic won't have any romance but the ideas in here came to me when I was thinkin bout them sad Nort'd children and now I'm heartbroken over this weird pairing that no one knows about. So here we are.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING this chapter for a bit of implied gore, and characters showing signs of PTSD.

The moment Terra saw him, he knew.

His face was familiar-- so many of them were, especially those who had worked for years with Xehanort, and then Xemnas. Terra found that he knew a lot of things, like names, and faces, and details about personalities and preferences that he never remembered learning. This was the main reason he had argued against this trip; it made him extremely uncomfortable when everyone was doing introductions and Terra already knew how half the people in the room took their morning coffee.

But now that he saw this man, he wanted to thank his friends for insisting.

Terra was not sure how he should bring it up, only that he had to, and that it should probably be done in private. So he waited until the end of the work day, claiming exhaustion while Ven and Aqua went out for dinner with their new friends.

He stayed in their guest quarters for a few minutes, then hurried through the halls.

He found his mark in the castle's generator room, near the hidden corridor that led to the Chamber of Repose. Just thinking of the place put Terra on edge.

"Hey there," he said awkwardly. He had spent the whole day trying to think of how to open, and had come up with nothing better.

Isa looked up from his sweeping. The broom looked odd in his hands. Maybe Xemnas had just never seen him doing so menial a task, since it now seemed strange-- but of course, Terra could never be sure.

"Hello," the former Nobody said slowly. "Are you lost?"

"No." He knew this castle uncomfortably well, in fact, probably better than many of its current inhabitants. "I'm Terra. But, um, I guess you know that."

The man just stared at him.

"So do you want to be called Saix or Isa? I know most of you guys prefer your original names, but--"

"My name is Isa." He sounded annoyed.

"Sorry. Let me try again." Terra took a deep breath. "Do you... recognize me?"

Isa's already impressive frown deepened. "Should I?" Something about Terra's face must have tipped him off, however, because he tilted his head and took a step closer. Terra forced himself to stay put as blue-green eyes narrowed, scrutinized him, then widened in shock.

"Xemnas," he breathed, and Terra nodded.

"Just half of him, though," he added quickly. The last thing he wanted was to scare the poor man away. "Or, well, the person that Xemnas was originally-- I was half of that. Sort of."

"You were half of Xehanort?"

"No," he said, revolted at the idea. "The man you knew as... by that name... that was after he took over. I was the first person whose body he--"

"His first vessel." Isa still looked incredulous. "Right. Why are you telling me this?"

Terra bit his lip. "I just... I thought we could talk."

"I can't imagine what there is to talk about," Isa snapped, gripping his broom and stepping away again. "I assume you've been told about me, so you should already know I'm no expert on fighting the darkness. Go find another Keyblade master if you're looking for guidance."

"That's not why--"

"And if you want to discuss what that _disgusting_ old man did to us," Isa continued over him, scraping his broom across the floor with a vengeance, "then I'm afraid I'm not interested. Find someone else to reminisce with, and leave me alone."

* * *

 

For the next few days, Terra did his best to make himself scarce, at least where their gracious hosts were. It was not widely known that one of the visiting Keyblade warriors still held many of Organization XIII's secrets, and he wished to keep it that way. Luckily they all seemed to attribute his awkward behavior to shyness; if Even and Ienzo thought it strange that Terra wanted no tour of the labs, or if Ven's friend Lea was put off by the avoidance of eye contact or direct conversation, no one said anything.

In fact, for a while Terra almost believed that he could make it through this trip without incident. Sure, the isolation got a little boring, and the sensory overload that had plagued him since the return of his body was flaring up again, but everything seemed manageable-- at least, everything apart from the night terrors. Those he had never really been able to defeat, and all the new stimuli of a place where so much had happened only served to make them worse.

First Terra tried to simply avoid sleep, which went about as well as he should have expected. On the fifth evening into their stay, he borrowed a few history books from the library and made himself comfortable at a large desk that occupied the corner of one of their borrowed rooms. He had every intention of keeping himself occupied with this late into the night, but within half an hour he was out cold, slumped over a pile of books and maps that he would not remember reading.

_...He walked through empty halls for what seemed an eternity. There were no servants, no guards, no inquisitive eyes to bother him during this familiar ritual. Not even the Heartless remained; they knew better, these days, than to question him._

_He came upon the great generator room, ignoring the multitude of synthetic hearts that lit up the walls. The floor opened up to admit him, and he proceeded down, down into the dark chambers underneath the castle, where all this world's miseries had begun._

_The air down here was cold, dead, and reeking of darkness. He inhaled deeply, and when he exhaled his breath steamed before him. Even after all this time, that simple sign of life from this empty shell was still so fascinating to him._

_He did not shiver at all as he descended into the cold. His legs felt no stress at all after carrying him down hundreds of steps, through a labyrinth of long and echoing hallways, but his nose picked up something new as he drew closer to his destination. A faint, organic smell, sickly sweet and out of place in this sterile dungeon, beckoned him towards the final door in the longest hallway of the lowest level. The smell grew stronger as he approached, and he identified it as rotting meat._

_Finally he came upon that door, and paused to open it. Without the sound of his echoing footsteps, time seemed to stand still for those few seconds. Slowly he turned the handle, and when the door opened, the pungent odor slammed into him like a physical thing. He took a long, revitalizing breath of it, letting the vile rot fill his lungs. Then he walked right into the miasma, where two old friends waited for him._

_On the other side of the room, laid out before his chair, were two bodies. Their armor was cracked and broken, but the flesh was in one piece where it shrunk against the bones._ _No insects disturbed the corpses; it seemed even they understood that this was a sacred place._

_Two faces were turned towards the great chair. The decay was much too advanced for them to look human anymore, but he recognized them all the same. Even when they were nothing but bones, he would know Aqua and Ven._

_He sat slowly on the throne, and smiled..._

Terra jolted awake in the darkness, his stomach roiling. He clapped a hand over his mouth and wrenched himself out of the desk chair, staggering to the bathroom of the castle's guest quarters. He just barely made it to the sink in time, where he braced himself around the edge and shuddered through a round of dry heaving, the faint taste of rot never leaving his mouth.

It took a long while before his stomach calmed, and even longer before he could trust himself to stand up straight. When he did, he was faced with his reflection in the bathroom sink. Level yellow eyes stared back at him.

He jolted back, stuffing his fist into his mouth to keep from screaming. It was too dark to see-- he scrambled for the light switch-- and he saw in the mirror his own wide, terrified, very blue eyes.

Out in the main room, he could hear someone stirring. Hastily he shut the bathroom door, though what he wanted to do was turn on every light and shake both his friends awake, just to make sure they were still okay.

Instead he checked the mirror again. The face in the glass was sweaty and ashen, but it was his own.

He took a long, shaky breath, trying to gather himself. Judging by the dull pain in his big toe, he had probably woken himself up by kicking the wall under the desk. It throbbed when he shifted his weight onto that foot. His knuckle ached as well, from where he had bitten it to keep quiet. His skin was doing that hypersensitive thing again, where the fabric of his clothes felt rough and the cold porcelain sink bit into his hands when he touched it. He was even aware of individual sweat droplets forming along his hairline. His heart was still pounding, harsh and erratic.

Well, it was not the worst night he had ever had.

Slowly and deliberately, he washed his face. It did not soothe him much, nor did getting a good look at the clock and realizing that it was nearly two in the morning. There was no way he was getting back to sleep anytime soon, so once he his breathing under control, he turned the light off and crept back out into the main room.

By some miracle, he had not woken his friends. Ven turned over in his sleep and mumbled something about ice cream; Aqua was snoring a little. On the way back to the desk he nearly tripped over a blanket; evidently one of them had covered him with it when they got back to the room to find him asleep. He swallowed a sudden lump in his throat, then folded the blanket, placed it on the desk, and gave the two sleeping forms one last careful look before he donned his shoes and slipped out the door.

His feet carried him through long, empty hallways with little direction from his frazzled mind. These walls, tall and grand, were decorated with tiny lights at regular intervals, though Terra knew he could have navigated some of these areas in total darkness.

He needed some way to deal with his night terrors. At home, he had learned to manage them in the training yard, his old go-to stress reliever. If he exerted himself enough during the day, he often slept too deeply to dream, and when that inevitably failed, at least his bedroom was isolated enough in the castle (and its silencing spells strong enough) that there was never a risk of disturbing anyone else. Neither precaution would work here, and unless some crisis came up, he was stuck in this awful place for another three and a half weeks.

He soon realized he was headed toward the kitchens. His stomach was in no way ready for food, but he supposed he ought to make up for sleeping through dinner again. Maybe eating something would help him relax?

Only when he was already halfway through the double-doors did he notice the clinking of dishes. He was not alone.

The man at the counter flinched a little at the noise. Isa whipped around to glare at the intruder, who stood frozen in the doorway.

For a moment the two simply stared at each other. Narrowed turquoise eyes were as sharp as ever, but even from here they looked bloodshot, the pale skin under them slightly baggy. A faded blue fleece jacket strained to cover broad shoulders, and threadbare old sweatpants dragged on the floor. Hair that usually hung flawlessly straight was in a tangle, barely held back in a rough knot at the nape of Isa's neck.

"S-sorry," Terra stammered, knowing he had seen something he shouldn't. "I didn't know anyone was here. I'll go."

"Wait." Isa's voice was low and rough. He seemed to be biting the inside of his cheek, debating something. Then he asked, "Do you want some tea?"

Terra blinked. "Tea?"

"Yes, tea. I made too much." Isa gestured to a sizable pot on the counter behind him. Steam was slowly seeping out from under the lid.

Terra took a tentative step forward and let the doors swing shut behind him. Isa was no longer looking him in the eye, instead watching the clock hanging over the counter.

"It's lemon ginger, if that matters to you. Cups are..."

"I got it." Terra opened a cabinet, only to find stacks of plates instead. "Uhh..."

"This kitchen was rearranged when we moved back in." The corner of Isa's mouth twitched, but he kept his gaze on the clock. "Not everything is as we remember it." He pointed to one of the lower cabinets, near a large stove.

Terra knelt down, wincing when he bumped his bruised toe. "Well," he explained, "it's not like I remember everything consciously. It's more like this vague sense of where things are." He pulled out a cup that stood out from the neat stacks, a little too big with its bottom ever so slightly curved. He stood and showed it to Isa. "See, this one is messed up because it broke, and Ienzo didn't want to tell Ansem so we tried to fix it with magic. He found out anyway, but he kept it for the story."

Terra set the cup on the counter, where its uneven bottom made it wobble when he took his hand away. Terra went on, "But I don't actually remember being there. I just saw the wobbly cup and I know that's what happened. Sort of how you remember people's names without always knowing how you were introduced. If that makes any sense." He remembered things somewhat better in his dreams, but he chose to leave that part out.

Isa watched the cup until it stilled. "I suppose it does." He checked the clock again, then turned to the teapot. "If that's the cup you're using, give it here."

Neither man spoke as Isa poured the tea. His own cup was small and pristine white, with a matching saucer that made Terra's wobbly big one look even more deformed. Isa poured very slowly, filling them up a bit too high. When he picked up his own, it clacked minutely and spilled into the saucer; when he held out Terra's cup, the ripples in the tea revealed a slight tremor in his hands.

"Milk and sugar are that way." He nodded toward a beverage fridge with a cabinet above it, still not looking Terra in the eye.

Terra, for his part, took his cue and said nothing of what he had noticed. "I like it plain," he said in what he hoped was a friendly tone. "That way you actually get to taste it, you know?"

"Heh. A kindred spirit." Isa blew on the surface of his drink. Even his breath seemed a little shaky, now that Terra was looking for it. Isa took a couple sips, holding the cup a good inch or so above the saucer. After a moment he asked drily, "Did you know that in this world it's considered rude to stare?"

"Sorry." It seemed Terra was making a lot of apologies these days. "I just have an awkward question, and I'm trying to think of a way to say it that doesn't sound nosy and rude."

"Sometimes silence is golden," Isa said tartly. After another half-minute of it, however, he frowned sidelong at Terra. "Fine, just get it out if it bothers you so much."

Terra gripped his cup nervously. "I was just wondering how you usually deal with stuff like this."

"This, as in what, exactly?"

"You know... nightmares. Or insomnia. Or whatever it is that brings a guy to a solo tea party at two in the morning." Terra bit his lip. As soon as the words were out, he already regretted them.

"Hm. You're right, that is incredibly assumptive. How very embarrassing for you." Isa had probably intended that as more of a sneer, but the effect was somewhat lessened by his obvious exhaustion and distress.

"Sorry if I assumed wrong or anything. Look, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable..."

"Too late." Isa sighed after a moment, however, apparently relenting. "If you must know, I've been self-medicating with sleep spells and various chemicals borrowed from the lab downstairs." He finished his little cup of tea with a very dignified sip. "This method is terrible and I do not recommend it. Now..." He turned and set the cup down, facing Terra directly. "I have an awkward question myself."

"That's only fair, I guess. Shoot."

"How much of Xemnas was you?"

Terra nearly choked on his tea. "P-pardon?"

"You heard me. That's why you sought me out, isn't it? So how about we just skip all this friendly chit-chat and get to the point, and then we can both get on whatever lives have been left to us." Isa narrowed his eyes dangerously. "I'm sure you're well aware that Xemnas was the version of Xehanort who first chose me, who found me and marked me like a-- like branded cattle. So I ask again, how much of him was you?"

"O-okay. Well..." Terra set down his cup, which wobbled until he gripped the bottom again. The action bought him a couple seconds to gather himself. When the cup was still, he took a breath and tried to explain what he still hardly understood himself.

"The truth is, I don't really know. When I-- when Xehanort took over, I was at the lowest point in my life. I gave into the darkness, and he used it to control me. By the time you met Xemnas, or Ansem, or whatever he was calling us, rage and bitterness were all that was left. I mean... hell, I'm still angry." He laughed weakly, and it sounded like a sob. "Xehanort's gone, sure, but he left his mark on me too. The darkness is part of me now, and at this point I don't think it'll ever go away." He was rambling. But he had to admit this to someone, even a stranger. He needed someone to understand.

"I don't know," he said again. "I don't remember doing it, but I think it was at least partly me who was trying to find the Chamber of Waking, and who made the Chamber of Repose. It might have been both of us who wanted Kingdom Hearts. I hope it was only him who hurt you, but I can't promise that I'm not dangerous." That lump in his throat was back. He tried to ignore it. "I don't mean you any harm, I swear I don't, but I never meant to hurt anyone else either. I just... sorry. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone."

"Wait." Isa's hands were braced on the edge of the counter now, and he stared hard at the steaming teapot, as if he might find answers there. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and tense. "It's not that I doubt you were a victim. I simply don't know you." He looked into Terra's eyes again, still searching. "When you approached me the other day, what were you expecting would happen?"

"I don't know," Terra admitted. He swallowed again. He hated when he got like this, all helpless and confused, and now he was doing it in front of someone who should be a stranger, one whom he had already hurt so much, even if indirectly. What was wrong with him?

"I guess I just... wanted someone to talk to."

"I was under the impression you came here with several someones."

Terra shook his head miserably. "My friends wouldn't get it. They're so full of light, and Aqua's a _master_ , they don't... they're strong. They can't understand what it's like to be broken inside."

"I see," Isa said quietly, and Terra realized the implications of what he'd just said. He was about to backpedal, apologize for putting his foot in his mouth yet again, when Isa let out his own small, mirthless chuckle. "Well," he said, straightening, "you'd be hard-pressed to find someone more broken than a Nobody."

With a steady hand, he picked up the teapot and refilled both their cups.


	2. Change and Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm so happy people seem to be liking this! ;w; Tbh I was super worried, but I'm glad it seems to be going over well~
> 
> Ehhh I don't think this chapter needs a TW except characters being sad and the earth child having buttloads of self-hate? But that's not really a surprise, the poor bab 3

The next two nights were of the rare variety that Terra got to enjoy these days, when he fell asleep at a somewhat-reasonable hour and was not plagued by dreams. The night after those, however, he could not seem to close his eyes at all, and he found himself wandering down to the kitchen again, exhausted and annoyed.

Of course, being unable to find the tea did little to improve his mood. He searched high and low through the multitude of cabinets and drawers, but all he came across were stale crackers, a few spices, an a variety of snack foods that he thought were familiar but could swear he had never tasted.

"Who stocks this kitchen, anyway?" he muttered to himself, closing the cabinet door on a fifth opened bag of chips.

"Whoever is in the mood," came an answer from behind him. Isa stood in the doorway, a tiny smirk on his lips. His hair was properly brushed now, but other than that he looked just as worn as last time.

"I was just looking for the tea," Terra muttered sheepishly. "I don't suppose you could point me in the right direction?"

Isa raised an eyebrow and brandished a small box: lemon ginger again. "Actually, I use my own. I've grown tired of my colleagues mooching it." Before Terra could apologize for his own attempt at mooching, Isa added, "Well, don't just stand there. You know where the cups are."

Terra went to fetch them, hiding a smile.

This time, rather than awkwardly leaning on the counter, Isa directed him toward a collapsible table and chairs that were neatly tucked away in a closet. Tonight they would have their tea "like civilized people," apparently.

"This thing feels new," Terra remarked as he set up the chairs. "At least, it doesn't seem familiar like a lot of the other stuff around here."

"That's because it is new. We no longer have the numbers to justify use of Ansem's dining tables, and even if we did, we rarely eat at the same time. It seemed foolish not to have any smaller options." The kettle whistled, and Isa filled the teapot, checking the clock as he did so. "But what's even more foolish is that most of my friends upstairs refuse to use it."

He said the word _friends_ as if it were an insult. Terra chose not to comment.

"Of course, they're mostly Ansem's former apprentices, so they all come from money. The rich are so impractical."

Terra nodded. Having been raised in a tiny and isolated world, he still did not have intimate knowledge of the living habits of different classes, but the idea made sense to him. "Living in a castle does things to you," he offered.

"Hah. True enough." While Terra set up the table and chairs, Isa kept his eyes on the clock, tapping a fingernail minutely on the counter as if that might make the tea steep faster. "No doubt I've picked up a few terrible habits myself," he said absently.

When the tea finished, he sprang into action. Soon after came a hiss of pain.

"Should have done this at the table," Isa muttered, shaking his scalded fingers.

"You okay?"

"Fine," Isa snapped. As soon as the tea was brought over, Terra could see the issue: Isa was wired and jumpy again, a tremor in his hands making the hot tea slosh around wildly whenever he moved it. When he sat down, his knee bounced rapidly, until he noticed Terra looking and clamped his uninjured hand over it. His glare dared Terra to comment.

Terra knew he should keep quiet. Still, he could not just sit there while his companion was in obvious pain. "Here, let me see that."

"I'm perfectly capable of handling my own tea, thanks."

"I meant your fingers," Terra said gently, holding a hand out for them. "I can help-- it looks painful."

Evidently it was, for Isa reluctantly let Terra take his hand for a closer look. "I doubt it warrants a full healing spell. Aren't those tiring, anyway?"

"Oh, we don't need a spell for something superficial like this. Hold still..."

The affected fingers were an angry red, stark against Isa's pale skin. On the first two knuckles, small blisters were beginning to form. Terra gently tugged Isa's hand closer, laid his other hand on top, and took a deep breath, reaching for his magic.

A light green glow spread over the enclosed space, soaking into the wound like liquid into cloth. Terra had spent most of his childhood getting scraped and smacked and otherwise dinged up by practice weapons and beginner spells gone awry; tiny surface healings like this were one of the first types of magic he had ever learned. With the ease of long practice he finished by cooling the air around Isa's hand, then sat back to admire his work.

"The fresh skin might be sensitive at first, especially to heat," he warned, as Isa examined his light pink, blister-free fingers. "But it should be good as new by tomorrow morning."

Isa said nothing for a long moment. He frowned at his hand, then at his teacup. Finally he muttered, "I was not always like this, you know."

"Like what?"

"Anxious. Panicky. _Clumsy_. Not even as a teenager. I was never so off-balance, before..." He lifted his cup, saw how the hot liquid trembled in his grip, and thought better of it. "Just look at me, getting so personal again. I was never like this."

Terra understood that well enough. "I think... a lot of us changed, after everything that happened. I used to think getting older meant getting wiser, and going through something terrible was just the world's way of testing you, making you stronger. But that's not always true, is it?" He took a gulp of tea, burning his mouth and throat a little. He let it go unhealed. "Sometimes awful stuff just happens, and it changes you for the worse, and that's the end of it."

"Perhaps so." Isa's face was unreadable as he gripped the teapot with both hands, managing to spill not a drop as he refilled Terra's cup. His own remained untouched. "Now I'm curious. What were you like before?"

"Well, for one thing, I didn't do this." Terra waved a hand vaguely at their surroundings. "I never had an issue sleeping. And during the day I was... not a social butterfly or anything, but people didn't make me so... nervous, I guess, or tired. I was active because I wanted to be. I was a morning person."

Isa grimaced. "And here I thought those were a myth."

"What, you're not? I thought you got up earlier than anyone." Terra frowned suddenly. "I... don't ask me how I know that."

"I woke up early because I had to, not because I liked it," Isa explained. If Terra's odd bits of knowledge still bothered him, he gave no indication. "I never enjoyed hearing my infernal alarm."

"Actually, I used to wake up at dawn. We all did, back when my friends and I were training." Isa's face at the word _dawn_ was enough to make him smile, if only a little. "Hey, it's not so bad when you go to bed early."

"Clearly things are different where you grew up, then. I was raised in an apartment on a busy street, and we had no peace at all until midnight. _If_ it was not a weekend or holiday," he added darkly.

Terra chuckled. "I've always wondered if people actually enjoyed living in big cities."

"Oh, it has its charms. A good night's sleep simply is not one of them." Isa took a small sip of his tea. It seemed his shakiness was subsiding. "I never minded when I was young, though. Such a big place has plenty to offer a couple of adventurous boys." He paused, staring off at something Terra could not see, a slight crease in his brow. "I was... fun, back then."

Terra nodded. "So was I, before everything. I mean, I was still a little awkward around strangers, and I was more insecure than I even realized at the time, but not like I am now." He fidgeted, resting his elbows on the table. "Sometimes I think we came on this trip so my friends could get some time away from me."

"Hm. Your company is not that unpleasant." Isa's temples and the tips of his ears acquired a slightly pink tinge-- he likely had not meant to give such a compliment. But he did not try to take it back. "I only balked at first because I have a complicated history with a person who was wearing your face, that's all."

"...There's a complicated history with them, too." Terra sighed bitterly. "I don't know if anyone told you, but most of the awful things that happened in the past decade and a half were because of my mistakes." He rested his chin in his hands. He was so tired. "Now I can't even look at the people I love without feeling guilty."

Isa sipped his tea again, as if contemplating that. "I've heard the gist of how it all began. You really feel guilt over the part you played?"

Now Terra looked up. "Don't you?"

"Not a shred," Isa said frankly. "When I lost my heart, I was desperate. I make no apologies for doing what I thought I must. Oh, I suppose I could have been less unpleasant to a few people," he added dismissively, rolling his eyes, "but how was I to know that would pay off? The last two times I made allies, one took my body for a joy ride while the other abandoned me for greener pastures as soon as they appeared." Isa glared into his tea. "How was I to know that a pack of overpowered teenagers would be any different?"

Terra watched him for a long moment. "You really don't feel bad at all?"

Now Isa turned that glare on him, though it softened a tiny amount when he met Terra's eyes. "I choose to forgive myself for the things I did out of desperation and ignorance. Whether anyone else does is their business."

Terra lowered his head again and rubbed his face. He wished he had that kind of strength. "I don't think I'll ever forgive myself," he mumbled into his palms.

For a while he heard nothing but the soft clink of the teapot as Isa refilled the cups, and the creak of the folding chair when he shifted in his seat. After so long that Terra thought the subject might be closed, Isa spoke up.

"In any case," he said, quiet enough that Terra was not sure whether the words were meant for him or if Isa was merely thinking out loud, "to regret all of it would mean I regret trying to survive. Miserable as this new life is, I cannot regret that."

The chair creaked again. Terra peeked out between his fingers to see that Isa was leaning forward, his jaw stubbornly set despite the softness of his voice.

"I may have lost everything else, but I still have the will to fight. And I will not allow Xehanort, or anyone else, to take that from me." His gaze flicked to Terra's, held it for a second, then lowered again. "I hope that vile creature did not rob you of such a thing. I still may not know you very well, but that would be... not right, if you regained your body only to have him crush your spirit."

Terra said nothing; he did not quite trust his voice. Instead he merely nodded, lifting his head from his hands so that he could drink more of his now-lukewarm tea.

He had wondered whether anyone else still felt like they were fighting, or if they needed to remind themselves to do so. Maybe it was different for their other friends-- those who had not been alone for so long, or those who had not been so warped that they could no longer trust their own thoughts. Maybe survival did not have to be such a conscious choice for them. Maybe they did not need to hear these things, and that was why no one had said this to him.

There was that lump in his throat again. It took some time before he could speak. When he did, he merely whispered, "Thank you."

Isa did not press him for more, and they finished their tea in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhh this part was SO HARD to finish, I literally had everything up to the end written like weeks ago...
> 
> Oh yeah and! Someone mentioned being curious about their friends in all this, but WORRY NOT-- they shall appear soon. It'll still mostly be these two, since I want to keep the story relatively focused, but ye, next chapter or so will have a bit more of them.
> 
> This chapter was hella hard, please let me know if it worked! <3


	3. Baby Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE RETURNED!! Sorry I vanished for a couple, uhh, months there. :') I got caught up in NaNoWriMo, then holidays, then realized I'd lost my momentum and now I have to get it back. But I'm still here! And I'm still writing, somehow!
> 
> Also, it's come to my attention that there are totally review replies on here, and maybe I should use them and stop being so shy?? Anyway, thank you all for your kind words, I'll try to be less of a hermit in the future <3

"Terra, get up!" Ven plopped down on the bed, making it bounce a little. "You're not gonna sleep in every day, are you?"

"Apparently not," Terra sighed. His body ached in the mornings, weary from a lack of rest and a bone-deep heaviness that he could not quite explain. Still, it took very little effort to smile at Ven, who had somehow returned as the same little beacon of light that Terra remembered. That was something to get out of bed for, at least.

"Well, today's the day to start getting up on time!" Ven went on, idly kicking his legs over the side while he waited.

"Yeah? Why's that?" Sitting up was painful, but Terra managed. He even made it look easy-- or so he hoped.

Luckily Ven did not seem to notice his struggle, as he was too excited about today's plans. "Lea and I are having a rematch! I told you I met him the first time we saw Radiant Garden, right? He wanted to spar, so of course I kicked his butt, only now that he's got a Keyblade he thinks he's hot stuff, so I have to put him back in his place. I told him he can even use his chakrams, but he _insists_... guess he's pretty excited to get smacked around."

Terra frowned as he gathered his clothes for the day. "You do realize he was part of the Organization, right? They're nothing to laugh at."

"Organization, shmorganization. I know I can take him." Ven hopped off the bed and tugged the sheets back into order, waving off Terra's attempts to do it himself. "We're gonna pack lunches and do it where the Outer Gardens used to be. And Aqua's gonna take on Master Riku, and we're trying to see who else wants to have a match. You should come with us!" Ven grinned up at him, though the way his hands fussed at his shirt seams betrayed his unease. "It'll be fun!"

"I'm sure it will," Terra agreed, though the thought of it made him uncomfortable. He doubted his skills were still up to snuff, and there was always the risk of hurting someone again. There were people to keep an eye on him, sure, but he was not about to put anyone else in danger.

Fortunately he was rescued from having to invent an excuse by a sharp knock on the door. "I told them I'd be right down," Ven said, frowning, while Terra immediately went to answer it.

The door swung open to reveal Isa, his hand still raised to knock. He exhaled as he lowered it; had he been holding his breath? "Good morning," he said stiffly.

"Oh, good morning." Terra opened the door to admit the man, but Isa stayed where he was.

"I just wanted to ask--" Sharp eyes lighted on Ven, and Isa immediately stopped. "My apologies," he muttered. "I'll come back another time."

"No, it's... Sorry, Ven, just a second!" Terra gave his friend an apologetic smile before taking a quick step forward to join Isa outside the room. "You wanted to ask what?"

Isa searched his face a moment-- for what, Terra could not guess. He seemed to find it, though, for he began, "The healing you did last night. It was very effective." He held up the fingers that had been so damaged the night before. Now there was not even a mark. "And you said this hardly cost you any power?"

Terra nodded. "It's like a concentrated healing spell. You need too much time and focus to do it in the middle of a fight, but you get a lot more healing with less magic." He smiled a little. "It's not too hard to learn. You just need practice and patience."

"It seems like a useful skill." Isa paused, then asked quietly, "Would you be willing to teach me?"

Terra blinked, then with an effort had to stop himself from grinning. Admittedly, he had been wondering if Isa even wanted to talk to him outside of their unplanned midnight tea parties-- and it was good to have another thing to do. "Yeah, absolutely." He hoped he did not sound too eager.

"Good." Again Isa seemed to let out a breath he had been holding, though that was surely Terra's imagination. "We can do it in my quarters, if that is acceptable to you. I understand some of our... friends... will be commandeering the kitchen for the next few days."

Dimly Terra remembered Ven saying something about packing lunches. "Well, if you have a kettle, we can still make tea." Terra held up a hand, magicked a tiny flame to hover above his fingertips, then let it die after a second or so. "I can show you how to do that too, if you'd like."

Isa did not seem impressed. "Just the healing will be fine, thank you. Are you free after lunch today?"

"I'm free whenever."

"One o'clock, then. My rooms are in the north wing, on the top floor near the door to the old balcony. I assume you know where that is?" When Terra gave his assent, Isa went on in that same brusque manner, "Good. I'll see you then." Without so much as a wave, he turned and left.

As soon as Isa was gone, Ven poked his head out the door. "What was that about?"

"Don't eavesdrop, Ven." Terra ruffled his hair as they went back inside. "Anyway, aren't your friends expecting you downstairs?"

"Yeah, they were hoping I could get you to come with us." Ven stuck out his lower lip, the same way he did when they were younger. "Please?"

"Maybe another time," Terra sighed.

"Aw, come on. You're not gonna sit around the castle all day, are you?"

"The castle's a big place." He gave Ven what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Really, I'm okay. You guys go have fun."

Ven bit his lip. After a moment he asked, "Have you been talking to that Saix guy?"

Now it was Terra's turn to frown. "His name is Isa. We're not Nobodies anymore."

Ven's tiny flinch at the word _we_ did not escape his notice. "I know, I know, just..." Ven fidgeted some more, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Isa didn't seem so bad the first time we met, but people change. And Roxas kind of hates him."

Terra scratched his head. "I heard Roxas hates almost everyone from the Organization."

"Weren't you the one who said they're nothing to laugh at?"

"And you're the one who just said people change," Terra reminded him. "Go meet up with your friends, Ven. I'll be fine." He busied himself with gathering up the books on the desk-- at least they had been neatened up from the night before-- while Ven made his awkward exit.

Terra breathed a little easier when he was gone, though it shamed him to feel that way. His capacity for social interaction was next to nothing, but that was not Ven's fault. Ven probably did not even realize what the problem was.

Terra sighed. He would make it up to his friend eventually.

* * *

 

The match was over when Sora turned to correct his footing, and planted his weight directly on a tiny pocket of wind rather than the ground. He lifted off and flipped over spectacularly, managing to right himself midair just in time for Ven to get close. Sora barely had time to get his Keyblade up before Ven, grinning, ducked the weapon and used his own to hook Sora's ankle and fling him out of the chalk circle they had drawn for their makeshift arena.

"Out of bounds," came Master Aqua's musical voice. "That's two to one, Ven wins." A few of their small number clapped.

Sora groaned from his place in the dirt. He thought he'd been improving, but Ven was just so _fast!_

Ven came over to help him up, still grinning. Sora felt a little better when he saw that his opponent was panting.

"You did good," Ven told him, meaning it. Honestly, he had been getting a little worried-- Sora's fighting style might still be a little rough, but the guy gave it his all and his endurance was incredible. Ven did not really understand why Sora had not been made Master back when Riku had, but he supposed there were reasons why he did not get to decide these things.

"Good thing I'm not the only loser around here," Lea sighed as Sora went to join him by the picnic basket. The redhead was still rubbing at his middle, where Ven's final blow had knocked him out of the circle roughly twenty minutes earlier.

"Oh, you're fine!" Kairi nudged him as she went past. "You big baby, we all know you've had worse. Hey Ven, how did you do that? Was that an Aero spell?"

"Sort of!" He grabbed a discarded napkin to demonstrate. Sora and Lea immediately got out of the way so Ven could show everyone this little trick. After some deliberation, Roxas wound up being his guinea pig; he had not been as foolhardy in challenging Ven and Aqua as his friends had, so he was not so bruised yet.

While Ven was showing the group different ways to play with these little gusts of wind, Aqua caught his eye. She glanced at Riku, then back at him.

Ven swallowed and nodded, trying not to be too blatant about it. They had talked about this, the two of them, and agreed Aqua was the better person to make the request.

"Master Riku," she said quietly, "can I have a word?"

Riku tried not to wince. Sora and Kairi calling him that as a joke was one thing; he was not sure he liked hearing it from a woman over ten years his senior who, by all accounts, had actually earned the title.

Still, he let Master Aqua take him aside. She paused for just a moment, then began, "I've been told you had an issue with darkness."

Oh. That.

Riku had been wondering when one of the senior Lights would hear about his past. It was too late, at this point, to question whether he was worthy of the Keyblade, but did they feel unsafe with someone like him about, running around calling himself a Master? He thought Ven liked him okay, but Aqua could be hard to read.

"It was a long time ago," Riku told her now, choosing his words carefully. "I've learned to control it."

"Good," she said, sighing a little. "That's good." She paused again, thinking. Riku had almost begun to wonder whether this was all she meant to say when she ventured, "Would you have any advice for someone else struggling with it?"

After a second it clicked. "Is this for yourself or someone else?" he asked gently.

Aqua looked down. "I think you already know."

"Yeah, I guess I do." Riku, along with just about everybody else, had noticed that Aqua and Ventus's friend bore a striking resemblance to the being once called Xemnas. He had also noticed that the man seemed ashamed and reluctant to even be there, and apparently liked talking to people as much as... well, about as much as Riku himself had, back when the wounds caused by his own mistakes were still raw. Even now he was not completely free of guilt, or the occasional intrusive suspicion that maybe this was all a terrible joke and he would never deserve to be here. And Riku had still been half a child when the darkness found him, not a trained Keyblade warrior.

So really, Riku thought, he should have expected this conversation. Sora had told him just last night, when they'd had a moment alone, that it was he who had originally come up with the idea for this trip, and not just so he could play swords with his new friend. Ven and Aqua were making themselves nearly sick with worry, and now they could all see why.

Well, he did not know Terra very well, but he had learned to know himself. In some strange way, maybe this was his chance to make up for what he had put Sora and Kairi through. So he said to Aqua now, "I think the harsh truth is that he has to figure that out for himself. Everyone's demons are different, you know?"

"So there's nothing we can do?"

Riku looked over his shoulder: Ven had been listening, evidently unable to pay attention to his own demonstration when this was being discussed. He caught Aqua's gaze and looked down.

"Well," Riku said, feeling everyone's attention on him, "I didn't say _that_ , exactly."

"Yeah, there's plenty of ways you can help!" Sora insisted. "You said we helped you before, right, Riku?"

"Of course you did." Riku smiled fondly at him. "Honestly, the best thing you guys ever did for me was just being my friends like always. That's all you _can_ do, really-- just be there when he's ready and let him know you still like him, even if he doesn't like himself all that much."

"Why wouldn't he like himself?" Ven demanded. "Terra's awesome!"

"Oh no, do you think that's it?" If Aqua kept frowning like that she was sure to get worry lines. "He did start apologizing a lot since we got back, but I never considered--"

"The other thing you can do is not worry so much," Riku interrupted, unable to stop himself from grinning. "I promise, if he's struggling with self-hatred like I did then knowing he's making you feel bad won't help. And the worst is over, right? You're supposed to be on vacation."

"Yes, but..." Aqua sighed, still looking dejected.

"I'll tell you what," Riku decided, "if you think it'll help, I can try talking to him."

"You'd do that?"

Riku shrugged. "Maybe he just needs to hear from someone who's been there before. I can't promise it'll do any good, but I'll try."

"I'm sure it will." For the first time all morning, Aqua smiled. "Thank you, Master Riku."

"It's nothing," he insisted. "Just have a little faith in your friend, okay? Sometimes healing just takes a while."

"Yeah, especially when your own best buddies are smacking you around," Lea interjected, trying to lighten the mood. "Hey Sora, maybe you and I should have a therapy session with Riku next."

Sora brandished his Keyblade, despite his bruises. "Speak for yourself! You want a rematch with me too?"

"Oh, sure, I'd love to see what happens when I don't go easy on you!"

"Well, he's me, so he'll kick your ass," Roxas informed him. Ven heartily agreed. The three of them, along with the quiet girl Xion who looked so much like Kairi and Namine, seemed to have a close friendship that no one else quite understood. Ven liked to say that his friends were part of his heart, and vice versa; with that bunch it was almost literal.

Lea held up his hands in mock surrender. "Well, I see I'm outnumbered. Hey Kairi, maybe us Keyblade rookies should team up."

But Kairi shook her head. "A rookies-only team? Heck no, I want Riku on our side."

"Wait, what am I getting drawn into now? Don't I still have to fight Aqua first, or are we just skipping that and going right into team matches?"

"Oh, I almost forgot!" The smile that Aqua gave him now was very different. "Tell me, _Master_ Riku, did you ever learn about shotlocks?" When he looked at her blankly, she went on, "How about command styles? Finish commands?"

Near the picnic basket, Ven was laughing; Aqua was still smiling as she led him towards the chalk circle. Glad as he was to cheer up his new friends, Riku had a very bad feeling about this.

* * *

 

"Okay, take a deep breath and try again. You've almost got it."

Isa's brow wrinkled in annoyance, but he obeyed, even closing his eyes while he centered himself. The two of them sat on a bare white couch in Isa's room-- Terra suspected much of this furniture had been poached from the Castle That Never Was-- with Terra's hand held up between them. For this exercise he had inflicted a tiny cut on each of his first three fingers, and instructed Isa to heal only the middle one.

"Try to think of your magic as something physical, like a liquid, and you're only pouring out a tiny trickle right now. You don't want to waste energy."

"I always thought magic meant forcing your will on the elements," Isa muttered, scowling when he made the blood clot on all three cuts, but failed to heal them completely.

"It can be, but healing spells are a little different. You can't really force something to get better. Luckily you don't have to-- the body already knows how to fix itself." Terra's fingers glowed softly as he finished the healing, one cut at a time. It only took a few seconds. "See? You're just giving it a little something extra."

"Hm." Isa leaned in to inspect Terra's fingertips. His eyes narrowed. "There's still a mark."

"That's just the new skin. It'll fade away sooner or later." Terra sat back and rubbed his neck. "Think you're ready for a break? We've been at this for a while."

Isa frowned, then checked his own hands, holding them up next to each other. Now that Terra saw them together, he too noticed that the recently healed one was just a fraction of a shade redder. "Is there any way to hasten that process?"

"That's what you're already doing," Terra explained. "If you didn't use magic, cuts like this would take a day or two to close up. Cure spells just give your body a little boost-- they don't actually add anything new." An uncomfortable thought occurred to him; he hoped he was wrong about where Isa was going with this.

Isa glanced at Terra's fingers again. Not meeting his eyes, he said lowly, "So I don't suppose it would help with scar tissue."

Terra bit his lip. "I'm not sure. Once the body decides it's healed, the extra energy just kind of... goes away. I've heard of magic to erase certain kinds of scars, but..."

"But not ones inflicted by darkness," Isa finished for him, mouth twisting grimly. "Let me guess, those are special."

Terra thought of his master, who had borne the same facial scars for as long as Terra had known him. Less pleasantly, he thought of the injuries he had given Braig, which had not faded away so much as an inch over the course of twelve years and a recompletion. Tattoos would vanish, silver hair would turn brown again, but the mark of darkness remained.

"Well," Terra tried hopefully, "not many people have those, and the two others I know of never tried to get rid of them, so maybe there's a way."

"Do you have an idea, or are you simply trying to comfort me?"

"...I think I have an idea. Come here."

Isa still looked doubtful, but he tilted his face up so that Terra could get a better view. Terra edged closer again and raised his hand, at which Isa drew back minutely.

"Sorry, is it okay if I...?"

"Just get it over with."

With that dubious encouragement, Terra repeated the process of taking a deep breath, very gently touching the affected skin, and letting his magic flow. He tried to use as little as possible, testing a quarter-inch of the scar at a time.

"I can barely feel that," Isa muttered, his jaw clenched tight.

"Faces are more delicate than hands," Terra said patiently. "Can't be too careful."

Isa wrinkled his nose. "You're hardly going to make me any uglier."

"Oh, stop that. You're not ugly in the first place." Terra gently pressed his thumb between Isa's brows. "And glaring at me won't make this go faster."

Sighing loudly, Isa closed his eyes and forced his face to relax, though even with that relatively neutral expression there was still a tiny wrinkle above the bridge of his nose.

Once Terra was certain there would be no more interruptions, he laid his finger on the center of the scar. As predicted, regular healing magic did nothing. Next he tried an all-purpose skin-refreshing spell, which he knew worked on everything from bruises to bug bites. Still nothing. Grasping at straws, he tried something he had once used for scabs, and when that was just as useless, he even used a modification on the refresher spell that he and Aqua used to treat acne with when they were teens. Nothing made the slightest difference.

Shaking his head, Terra drew his hand away. "Sorry."

Isa exhaled sharply and fell back on the couch. "Well," he said bitterly, "at least you tried."

"And at least no one can use it to track you anymore, you know? That sort of spell only works for the person who casts it, and he's..." He trailed off awkwardly, very much not liking the look that Isa was giving him.

"What on earth are you talking about?" He did not like that tone, either.

"The... the recusant's sigil. The X. You know, it's... you don't know," Terra realized. "No one told you?"

"Told me what?"

Terra swallowed. "The recusant's sigil is just an X, somewhere on a person's body. It's... it's something Keyblade masters use, if they want to keep tabs on someone. It can be on your clothes-- I used to wear one as an apprentice-- or it can be--"

"Carved into the target's face," Isa finished for him. His voice shook. "Or added to a new name they can be branded with. Or some other new and exciting disfigurement..." He lifted a hand to cover his mouth, no longer looking at Terra but instead at some point out of focus, dawning horror in his eyes at this fresh information on how he had been violated.

Terra's heart ached for him, but he could not think of anything to say. He reached out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but as soon as he made contact Isa flinched and smacked his hand away, nearly jumping out of his seat.

"Don't touch me," he snapped. "Do you make a habit of that, giving horrible news and then grabbing at people? Keep your hands to yourself!"

"S-sorry," Terra stammered, more bewildered than hurt. Isa was breathing as if he had just run a marathon, clutching at his shoulder as if struck. It seemed a bizarrely outsized reaction, until Terra considered his own experience.

He folded his hands in his lap and kept well away, trying not to offend further. For a long while, there was only the sound of Isa's harsh breathing; he had curled in on himself, his elbows resting heavily on his knees and his long hair obscuring his face. He dragged air into his lungs as if it pained him, trying to force himself to calm down.

When the worst of it seemed over, Terra ventured, "I, um... I had a reaction like that, back when I first got home. There was a courtyard, out in front, where my mast-- where something terrible happened. When I saw it again I felt like I was right back there, like it was yesterday, and I swear I could see the... the aftermath." His throat tightened painfully. If he closed his eyes, he could still see his father's falling body.

Isa kept his head down, though he seemed to be listening. Terra took a breath and went on.

"The worst part, though, that came later. I just blacked out a little and I don't think anyone noticed, but when I tried to sleep that night, I couldn't stop thinking about it. That was the first time I had really vivid nightmares, and..." He shuddered. "It was bad. Really bad. I remembered it like I was... through his eyes. Xehanort's. And for days after that I just... wasn't right. Everything made me panic. I had to pretend I was sick because I could barely talk to anyone. And some things still give me that knee-jerk reaction." He gave Isa a rueful smile. "So, for what it's worth, it's not just you."

Isa looked at him sidelong. "You remember your dreams?"

"Unfortunately, yeah."

Isa let out a raw, mirthless laugh. "Unfortunate, you say? I never remember my own." He braced himself on his knees, stood up, and began to pace. "I wake up in a blind panic, so intense I often can't breathe. I feel certain there is someone else in the room; of course there never is, but I still imagine hands on me, holding me down, or around my neck." He rubbed his upper arms absently, hugging himself a little, as if he felt it even now.

"When I first came to, after we were released," he went on, "someone tried to grab hold of me like that. I... reacted badly." He grimaced. "Apparently, I cannot be touched without warning." Finally he looked at Terra, his mouth tight, his eyes searching. "And I haven't the faintest idea why."

"Knowing doesn't always help." He hoped he did not sound like he was hiding something-- he was always afraid someone would demand answers that only Xemnas could provide. "I mean, not with the touching stuff. I know almost exactly what happened to me, but that doesn't mean I know how to deal with... well, anything."

"Sensory triggers?"

"More like sensory overload. My head isn't used to all this... input, I guess, and after a while I can't make sense of it." He shrugged miserably. "The worst is being in a big group, with a whole bunch of people talking at once, or if someone wants to talk when we're in the middle of something."

"Ah." Finally Isa sat down again, though with a respectable distance between them both. "So I assume this is the reason you've been squirreling yourself away like we all have the plague?"

"Was it really that obvious?" Terra was horrified. "I swear it's not that you're all bad hosts, I just can't handle a big city with all the noise and smells, and I get dizzy if I walk around too much, and then there's all the weird reminders of memories I don't even have..."

"You hardly need to justify reclusiveness to _me_." The corner of Isa's mouth twitched. "I had a bit of that, when my body was first returned to me. I improved with time and effort. Perhaps you'll do the same."

"Well, I have gotten a little better," Terra was forced to admit. "It's just baby steps. And a slightly-improved mess is still a mess."

"Baby steps, hm?" Isa asked thoughtfully. "Maybe something can be done about that. Would you like to see the city without all the noise?" When Terra only gave him a quizzical look, he elaborated. "The people of Radiant Garden prefer late nights and slow mornings. If we go out before dawn, you should be able to see a good portion of the few things worth seeing and still make it home before the crowds emerge."

Terra blinked. "Are you... offering to show me around?"

"If you'd like."

He was a little torn; should he be thrilled that he was apparently making a friend, or horrified at the prospect of going out, even with a guide? He settled for tentatively hopeful, and agreed. "Yeah," he said, "I'd like that a lot."

They made their plans, and the conversation turned to other things. By the time Terra left, he checked the clock and realized it was the longest conversation he had been able to sit through so far.

He spent the rest of the day alone, but for once in a decent mood. Maybe he really was getting better.


	4. Reconstruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE!!! Sorry my dudes, I think the world was conspiring to keep me from writing for a while there. Once I finished the busy holiday season, I lost my job, had to hunt for a new one, then took a while to train at/get used to the new one. But I'm doing way better now! They pay me a living wage and everything!
> 
> Oh, and I guess the beginning of a story is also much easier to write than the middle. But I'm doing it! Slowly but surely.

They met by one of the castle's side entrances, well before dawn.

Terra half-jogged through the hallways, determined not to be late; he was in fact fifteen minutes ahead of the appointed time, but when he got to the large entryway, Isa was already there. He nodded to Terra in what was hopefully approval, then asked simply, "Shall we go?"

Terra agreed, and they set off.

The pre-dawn sky was a gloomy, dim gray, although from their vantage point at the castle entrance, he could just see the beginnings of a soft pink glow on the horizon. That quickly disappeared as Isa led him down a long set of steps, onto a dusty and well-worn path toward the city.

This place, like the rest of this world, had been mostly rubble only a few years ago. Even now the Restoration Committee had not gotten to all of it; the edges of their walkway were littered with bits of stone and broken mortar, and there was a lingering sense of ruin in the air, as if the castle and buildings themselves still mourned all the senseless violence they had seen. Whether out of respect for that, or simply out of a lack of anything to say, both Terra and Isa were silent.

The castle grounds soon gave way to the even rougher cliffs and hills, where the path had been cut through solid earth. It skirted around an abandoned construction site, where the rock walls around them rose up and blocked the whole area from what little light there was in the sky. The shadows of the construction equipment were grotesque, seeming to reach for them out of the darkness, and for a few unsettling moments Terra felt like he was dreaming again.

The air was chilly enough that their breath made little clouds before them, and Terra privately understood why Isa's non-Organization wardrobe seemed to have so many sweaters and jackets. Despite his numbing fingertips, Terra kept one hand open at his side, ready to summon his Keyblade at a moment's notice.

Meanwhile, with his warm fleece and brisk stride, Isa seemed bothered by neither cold nor shadows. He looked resolutely onward, with the air of one who walked this path in the dark often.

Soon their feet reached solid cobblestone, and Isa led him up a gentle slope towards the city. They passed a streetlight, and more than one building whose lights were flickering on in the upper windows.

"Some of that self-appointed Restoration Committee lives out here," Isa explained, following Terra's gaze. "They like to wake up at unholy hours with their construction crews so they can begin making a racket while most of their neighbors are still in bed."

Terra looked quizzically at his companion. "Aren't _we_ awake at an unholy hour?"

"Yes, but as the point was to avoid other people, I thought a bit of griping was somewhat appropriate."

"I thought we were only avoiding crowds."

"Some people are crowds all by themselves."

It was a little hard to tell in the dim light, but Terra thought he could see a wry smirk on Isa's face. That was a welcome surprise: the man actually had a sense of humor, even if it was dry as chalk.

"So where are we going first?" Terra asked, glancing around as they turned a corner onto a narrow residential street. Evidently Isa was using back roads; a block away, on a street probably parallel to theirs, he could see another set of pedestrians shuffling along.

"Well, given our lack of sleep, I thought we should start with coffee." As they continued on, small businesses began to crop up, and soon they were at a nondescript sort of bakery, little more than a small room with a few sloping shelves inside for displaying goods. At the moment, a couple of workers were still wiping off surfaces.

"I suppose we're earlier than I thought," Isa muttered, frowning.

"It's alright by me if we keep walking." Terra felt surprisingly good; what little of the city he had seen so far was full of sights and smells even at this hour, but they were not strong enough to bother him. "Just take me wherever you like, I'll manage just fine as long as there's not too much excitement."

"Hm. I do know of one thing worth seeing..." Isa looked upward. "Yes, we should reach the marketplace in time if we go now."

"Aren't... aren't we already there?" Terra asked doubtfully. They were already among plenty of shops, several of which sold coffee and opened at dawn. He could not imagine finding those outside of the main drag.

But Isa gave a small chuckle and said, "What, this? This is nothing. Follow me, and I'll show you what a real city square looks like. Well," he amended, as he started once more down the street, "what it looks like in the midst of reconstruction, anyway."

And so he led the hapless Terra on a long trek uphill, the cobblestone streets around them widening until they could accommodate as much as two wagons riding abreast. Their footsteps echoed quietly where the buildings were higher; thankfully he saw no vehicles yet.

What he did see was a collection of motley stone houses, only some of them matching the original style of the city. The overall map had also changed significantly. It was no longer a circular spiderweb of streets around the castle, but a few of these wide major roads cutting through a collection of short alleys, sharp corners and smallish knots of homes, often interconnected. Terra could not imagine trying to navigate this alone.

"The idea is that should we be attacked by Heartless," Isa explained as they walked, "or some similar threat, the people have natural gathering points. The Heartless will follow them, and the town's defense system can be focused on smaller areas and thus have a greater effect."

Terra nodded absently. His eyes automatically darted to any sort of movement; now they caught a yawning woman watering her window plants. Something was off.

"The gardens are all gone," he realized.

"The public gardens, yes. The few that survived the first wave of destruction had to be torn up to install or make room for the defense system."

"That's sad," Terra remarked, though he wasn't sure he meant to say it out loud. He saw a few more lights flicker on, and a small animal dart along the edge of a roof. "Tearing up something beautiful just to fight."

"They tore up something beautiful to survive," Isa shot back, in that typical harsh way of his. After a moment, however, he met Terra's eyes and thawed a little. "Would you rather the gardens stayed, even if no one was around to see them?"

Someone lit a candle in a window three floors up. It was hard to keep his eyes on where he was going. "No," Terra admitted. "I'm not saying it was wrong. Just sad."

"If you say so."

Isa led him up and up, as the sky grew ever lighter. There was a faint smell of wood smoke and cooking in the air, as they passed some of the house clusters, along with more of the window gardens. There were also a few odd discolorations, which he could not quite identify until he saw one high up on a wall where the sun was just about to touch it. This world's eponymous gardens, he realized, had returned in another form: there were flowers painted on some of the walls and rooftops.

Terra felt torn; he wanted to linger and take it all in, to really explore all these little ways the people had tried to restore their home, but he did not want to lose his guide, and the growing number of faint, conflicting smells was starting giving him a headache.

They eventually came to a large square, a sort of strip mall with shops for clothing and accessories alongside some for weapons and armor. An ad for a bodyguard service was right next to a flashy poster for an ice cream shop. It was a strange juxtaposition, Terra thought; even Isa seemed to be staring at it, though Terra could only give it a glance before a flock of pigeons distracted him.

"So is this downtown?" Terra asked, as they slowed down to watch a few workers scurrying about. It was more diverse than the area near the castle, too: even in this small collection he saw people of varying color and even some different species, including two Moogles deep in discussion and a set of very busy ducklings in matching caps.

"Hm? Oh, yes," Isa said distractedly, then seemed to shake himself a little. "We're almost there," he added, and continued on.

"This isn't what we came here to see?" Terra followed a step behind. The area they had been in formed a sort of basin, and on the opposite end was the final set of stone steps. The movement and sounds of the workers echoed uncomfortably in his head, and he had to keep a hand on the wall next to the steps in order to focus on the climb.

At the top was a platform on the edge of a city wall, removed from the morning bustle below them. Isa crossed to the opposite edge of it and finally stopped. He did not explain; there was no need.

Before them lay the vast expanse of Radiant Garden, or at least what had been rebuilt so far. Terra could see now a pattern to the rooftops, half-obscured as they were by a veil of morning mist. The sky was all around them, transforming into broad splashes of pink and orange like a giant watercolor painting come to life.

Directly across from them, far beyond the city borough, were the twisted remains of the old castle-- the historical one where the Heartless calling itself Ansem had taken up residence. Its dilapidated shape overlooked a barren wasteland that had briefly been the center of the fight against the darkness. As they watched, the sun began to rise directly behind it, its first rays spreading over the city like a physical thing, gold and brilliant.

"Many generations ago," Isa said softly, "this place was called the City of Light. We've had our share of vain rulers, and one of them decided that the castle should be in the east, as the source of that light."

The sun drew level with the ruins, creating an eclipse so bright that Terra could not look directly at it. Its glare seemed to pierce through his eyelids, making his head ache.

"But some of us," Isa continued, "thought it looked more like our leaders were casting a shadow over their people every morning. There were ghost stories about it: haunted wings abandoned for decades, books of curses hidden in the library, evil spirits in the basement."

Terra had to look at the ground to avoid damaging his eyes. The shadow from the old ruins was long, but it would shrink away from the town as the sun moved upward in the sky. "Did you believe those stories?" he asked, gritting his teeth against the pain in his head.

"Not all of them. But I did believe there was a secret research facility. I also believed that other worlds existed, and Ansem's research had something to do with that."

Finally Terra turned away from the stunning view to look at his companion. Isa was staring not at the ground or the sun, but the clouds, and the last few visible stars beyond.

"I always thought this place seemed small," he explained. "And why would we be the City of Light if there were no other cities to compare it to? But for the most part, what convinced me was this." He indicated the vastness before them, the sky that seemed to stretch to infinity. "How can anyone think we're alone in the cosmos?"

Terra watched him a moment longer before looking back at the sunrise; Isa was just as fascinating. "You were wasted on the Organization," Terra muttered.

Isa was silent for a time. "Do you think so?" he asked finally, his tone soft and unreadable.

Terra nodded, still squinting at the beautiful view, trying to memorize it despite his inability to focus on any one part. "We all were," he said. "But especially... ugh." He rubbed at his stinging eyes. "Sorry. I think I'm spent."

"If you want to recover here, we still have a few hours before everyone gets loud."

"Yeah, maybe I need a minute." He lowered himself onto the pavement so he was sitting against a wall; after a beat, he heard the rustle of clothing as Isa did the same next to him. "Sorry," Terra said again, feeling like he was letting Isa down somehow. "I should've known my limits better. But it was a beautiful view." He tried to give an apologetic smile. His head throbbed. "Thanks for all this."

"You are welcome," Isa said, with the slightly awkward air of someone who did not get thanked very often. "Would you like to do it again? Perhaps we can find a way to ease you into longer trips. Or we can simply see more of the city in short bursts. Whatever you think you're capable of."

Terra pressed his knuckles into his forehead. Every sound now felt like a physical pressure on his eardrums, though they kept their voices low. "I wouldn't want to ask too much of you."

"Oh, yes, it would be a terrible shame if I was kept from my all-important duties of sweeping and dusting." Isa sighed. "If you don't want to, then just say so. But it isn't as if I have anything better to do."

"No, I do want to try again," Terra insisted. "I think... maybe if I have breaks..." He trailed off. "Sorry."

He could feel Isa looking at him. "We'll think of something," he said, and that was that. He moved a little, probably settling into a comfortable position to watch the rest of the sunrise.

Terra could no longer look; he would not feel okay to open his eyes and get up for a truly embarrassing amount of time. But he could feel the warmth of the morning sun on his skin, and he could hear the very faint sounds of the city in the distance, just enough to remind him of where he was but not enough to aggravate his migraine.

Through it all, Isa stayed with him. Terra wanted desperately to talk more, to know what his companion was thinking, but he could not quite bring himself to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, there was actually supposed to be more in this chapter, because I wanted it to be as long as the last one, but I still have to fuss with the later sections and might move things around. Psychology- and relationship-driven plots are hard, yo.
> 
> In any case, I hope this was worth the wait. :')


	5. Differing Personalities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someday I'll remember how to update things more than once every couple months. :') Sorry guys.
> 
> The good news is that I've actually written a ton of future scenes, it's just that many of them need serious editing and connective tissue, or they'll be waaay later in the story... but eh. Here's something, finally! Enjoy!
> 
> Oh, and CONTENT WARNING for another creepy nightmare and anxiety episode. Whoops.

They went out again the next day, and the day after that.

Isa showed him a little more of the city each time, and once they even went out in the late afternoon, when a sudden rain dampened the myriad city smells and kept the crowds away. That trip was shorter, but at the end of it they both had ideas for their next outing. All this activity meant little time to sleep, and thus little time to dream, which suited Terra just fine. His body ached a little more each day, but his head and heart felt lighter. Maybe he really did need to socialize.

The next early morning, however, when Terra stumbled into the entrance hall mid-yawn, Isa took one look at him and declared, "This is idiotic. Go back to bed."

"No, I'm--" He meant to say "fine," but he was interrupted by another huge yawn.

Isa raised his eyebrows in distaste. "If you can hardly see straight, how do you expect to _not_ have sensory problems? I am not going to waste my time leading you around if we have to stop every five minutes. Get some sleep and we can do this later."

"Can't go back now," Terra mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Aqua 'n Ven are in there."

"They can sleep through your alarm, but not you lying down on a separate bed?"

"Didn't set an alarm." What he had been doing was making himself semi-nocturnal. He would nap in the afternoon, hopefully wake before dark, and spend the remaining time before their outing in the library or somewhere else he would not be bothered. This also had the benefit of dealing with the nightmare problem; if he happened to make noise or wake up, there was no one to question him.

This reasoning did not impress Isa. "Completely ridiculous. You are not 'dealing' with anything; you're just hiding it."

"Well if you know how to actually fix this, I'm all ears." Terra winced as soon as he heard himself. He must really be out of his wits, to snap like that. "Sorry, I didn't mean... I'm sorry."

He braced himself for a sharp response, but Isa only frowned at him, his mouth twisting a little as if he was weighing his options. Finally he asked, "Would my couch be any more suitable?"

"What?"

"The couch in my room. You can sleep there, if you like." Isa was already walking in that direction, leaving Terra to hurry after him or be left alone in the hallway. "For the record, I had a feeling this pre-dawn business wouldn't last. You should have spoken up sooner."

"You already knew I have trouble sleeping," Terra muttered. Honestly, he had no intention of intruding on anyone's couch, but Isa's tone left no room for argument, so Terra trailed along behind him, back up several flights of stairs. He was so tired that when he got to the top his legs were trembling with the effort, and he all but collapsed onto the couch. He only meant to rest his eyes for a minute. He did not even remember lying down.

_He descended the stairway once again, taking slow, deliberate steps into the dark. By now the walk was almost comforting; this foul-smelling dungeon was the closest thing he had to a home._

_He reached the hallway lined with doors. The place was silent now, but sometimes he still heard the screams of the experiments, the whir of machinery, the soft thud of empty shells on the floor after their hearts had been extracted._

_As he passed by, the doors began to swing open. Behind them still lay those unseeing husks-- people whose small lives had been sacrificed to the second Keyblade War. He paused to observe them each in turn, smiling fondly. There was the puppet... the witch... some fellow scientists, a couple of guards... a few other potential vessels. One in particular, a favorite toy that he had taken the trouble to mark with the Recusant's Sigil, had its face turned up towards the door; the eyes were yellow and vacant._

_Xehanort smirked and continued walking._

_The door at the end of the hall swung open, but this time he was greeted by someone living: the impudent girl who had set his plans back a number of years. She approached from his sacred chamber, a ghost from his past, fury twisting her features-- but she did not summon her weapon._

_He wanted to chastise her for such foolishness, but he would not underestimate her again. With the air of one swatting an insect, he raised his Keyblade and plunged it into her chest._

_Screaming filled the hallway. It distressed him; the peace of this place should not be disturbed so._

_Be silent, he commanded. He wrapped his hands around her throat, trying to stop the noise-- it only got louder-- he became dizzy with rage, then panic-- then her voice changed, her eyes changed, and it wasn't her anymore but the vessel, who was holding him down and ordering him to wake up and_ listen--

"--to me, Terra! Look at where you are!"

The hallway dissolved, and a face swam before him-- Saix-- Isa. The man was gripping him by the shoulders, tight enough to hurt, holding him still. "Are you with me now?" he demanded.

His eyes were blue-green, angry-- the face went blurry again. The scent of blood was still everywhere, making it impossible to breathe, the feeling of a crushed windpipe still tingling his fingers, the sight of those bodies--

"Damn it, Terra, _focus_. Look at me."

Cool, firm hands moved to hold his head steady. His ears roared, the world spun, but he tried to obey. His eyes stung as he blinked to clear them, his throat felt impossibly tight as if he had been the one strangled.

"Deep breaths, now. Don't be sick on my couch."

Couch? He tried to remember where he was. He could hardly make sense of his own body-- the sensory input was overwhelming, each part of it clamoring for his attention, from the pain in his heart and lungs to the prickling of his skin against the rough, sweaty fabric that clung to his aching limbs and torso-- he shut his eyes and tried to narrow his focus. His face was hot and dripping, like his skin was melting off. His own gasping inhalations felt like physical pressure on his ears.

"Shh. Breathe."

He tried to do that. He fumbled to cover the hands with his own, pressing them into his face, trying to blot out the noise. If he was very quiet and still, he could hear his companion's steady breathing, and he focused on that instead of his own.

Gentleness was likely not Isa's strong suit, but he was very good at sitting still and waiting to be obeyed. Terra was not sure how long he stayed there, waiting for the world to right itself.

Eventually he opened his eyes again. Isa met them, his gaze as hard and implacable as stone. "Are you finished?" he asked quietly.

Terra gave a very tiny nod. He blinked, making his eyes prickle again; with a surge of shame he realized they were wet. "'m sorry," he rasped, humiliated.

Isa drew back as Terra released his hands. "You say that rather often."

Terra tried to sit up; his stomach roiled in protest. Everything felt heavy. He wiped his face on his sleeve, trying to be discreet about it. "How long was I out?" he asked groggily.

"About three hours before you started thrashing. I was wondering whether I should wake you for breakfast." Isa paused. "I might go down for coffee, if you'd like to join me. Or you can stay here, if you need solitude."

Terra considered that. For once, he did not want to be alone. "Yeah," he said, trying not to sniff. "Yeah, I just... I should clean up."

"The bathroom is that way," Isa said briskly, indicating a door on the other side of the room. "Let me know when you're ready." He got off the couch and resettled himself in a chair nearby, taking up a book that had been laid open on its arm.

Though he was not very quick about it, Terra got up to obey. The bossiness was comforting, in a way; for once he did not have to stress about what to do after an episode.

Isa looked up expectantly when he re-entered the living area. At Terra's nod, he tucked a scrap of paper into his book and snapped the heavy tome shut.

Terra tilted his head to read the title. "You like astronomy?"

Isa frowned as he stood. "I used to, back when I had varied interests and an engaging personality. Now hurry up, before the kitchen gets overrun with peppy teenagers."

Terra blinked, then followed a half-step behind him. There was little point in arguing with Isa's first statement; however much he wanted to, he did not have the mental energy for it. Besides, Terra advising someone to stop talking poorly about themselves would be a very high degree of hypocrisy, and they both knew it.

"You know," he tried instead as they walked, "if you like stargazing, I've always wanted to see what it's like in other worlds. Maybe you could show me this one."

"If the light pollution lets us see anything," Isa sighed. "Another drawback to city life."

When they reached the kitchen, they saw only Dilan, who was refilling a large travel mug with coffee. He gave them both a polite nod and did not linger.

Terra held back a sigh of relief, but just barely. He wondered if he would ever be totally comfortable around other Organization members.

Isa, of course, made a beeline for the coffee pot, scoffing in disgust when he found it nearly empty. "I don't know why I expected anything else," he grumbled. His scowl deepened when he found the bag of fresh grounds, also very much depleted.

"You really like hot drinks, huh?" Terra asked as he helped clean out the filter. His hands moved automatically to empty, rinse, refill, replace, and he was already resetting the machine when he realized unpleasantly that Terra the Keyblade trainee had never used a device like this. That was all Xehanort.

"I _like_ tea," Isa clarified as he fetched cups, oblivious to Terra's sudden dismay. "I _need_ coffee."

Terra nodded, not really listening. He looked at his fingers, flexed them into a fist and opened them again. What else did his hands remember that his conscious mind did not? They had fit so perfectly around a throat--

Isa pressed a coffee cup into one empty palm, interrupting his thoughts. "Stop that," he ordered. "Don't you know better than to start brooding right after an attack? I have trouble enough with my own demons; I cannot take on yours if you if you won't even try to meet me halfway."

Terra tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I don't mean to drag you down with me."

Isa took a slow, aggravated breath to answer, and Terra braced himself, but they were interrupted by the sound of chatter rapidly approaching from the hallway. They both looked to the door; Isa's expression grew even more sour as soon as he recognized the voices.

"--so then he says he'd bet me five _thousand_ munny that no one would catch on, and I said..." The voice was Ven, who trailed off when the door swung open. He had arrived with Roxas, Xion and Lea, who all quieted when they caught sight of Terra and Isa.

Lea was the first to recover; he raised an eyebrow at the two blonde boys. "Well?" he asked, smirking. "You want to finish that?"

They both shushed him. Xion stepped forward to cover the silence. "Good morning," she said politely.

"'Morning," Terra said automatically, while Isa gave a curt nod. Terra frowned at the newcomers, who had not moved from the doorway. Roxas stared at him in hopeful anticipation, while Ven kept glancing between him and Isa, looking more than a little tense. Terra admittedly did not know Roxas very well, but...

"Call me crazy," he said finally, "but did you two switch clothes or something?"

"HA!" Ven shouted in triumph-- he was indeed wearing the other boy's shirt-- as Lea and Xion erupted into laughter. "We didn't even have to talk this time!"

"Yeah, well, he already heard something was up," Roxas muttered. "And we haven't run into Aqua yet."

"Good luck with that," Ven said proudly. "She's the observant one. No offense, Terra!"

Terra hoped his smile did not waver too much. Ven's friends were nice people; it was not their fault that their laughter hurt his ears and their faces appeared in his nightmares. Terra glanced at Isa, hoping for a way out. The man was staring at the coffee maker as if he could will it to brew faster.

"Sooo," Lea started, looking between the two of them, "what have you guys been up to?"

"Just getting coffee," Terra answered, after an awkward pause in which he desperately wished Isa would speak up. "We might go out later."

"Checking out the scenic construction?" Lea chuckled. "I've been showing these nerds all my favorite hangouts from when I was a kid."

"Yeah," Ven gushed, "Terra, this place is amazing. Have you been downtown yet? There's this big hill where you can see the sunset over the whole city, the view up there is incredible!"

"Is it?" Isa asked, a slight poisonous edge creeping into his tone. He was looking coldly at Lea.

"Yeah, it's awesome," Lea said defensively, frowning while Roxas glared and Xion shifted uncomfortably. Ven, bewildered at the sudden tension, looked to Terra as if hoping for an explanation; Terra just gripped his empty coffee cup and silently prayed for the it to be over.

"Well," Isa said finally, his lips curling into a frigid smile, "I hope you all have a _wonderful_ time."

Roxas started forward and Lea's frown deepened, but Xion grabbed them each by the elbow before they could speak. "Thanks," she said with obviously false cheer, "hey guys, didn't you want to find the rest of our friends and settle your bet?"

"But I thought we were... y'know..." Ven trailed off, gesturing feebly at the pantry.

"Eh, no one stocks this kitchen." Lea shrugged his arm out of Xion's grip. "Let's start the day off early. I know a really great place for bagels-- maybe we'll run into Aqua on the way."

"But--" Ven gave Terra one last look of dismay, but Terra just waved. He hated himself for it, but he was relieved to see them go.

"Have fun out there," he said, somehow managing another smile.

"Have fun in here," Roxas offered stiffly in return, as Lea and Xion ushered Ven out the door before he could ask more questions. "Nice seeing you around, Terra... Saix."

Isa's eyes flashed dangerously, though the smile remained plastered on his face. "Good day, Roxas."

Terra waited until the door swung shut again before he exhaled. This was way too much excitement for one morning.

Isa looked ready to pummel something. Terra bit his lip, then tried carefully, "Can I... ask what that was?"

"Greener pastures," Isa said bitterly. Terra waited for him to elaborate, but he only stared at the door, arms crossed, until the coffee maker beeped. When Isa still did not move, Terra got it himself.

Isa was so absorbed in his silent fuming that he did not even drink his coffee, instead letting it sit and get cold while he glared into the middle distance. Terra almost touched his arm to get his attention, but remembered that very important boundary and pulled back at the last moment.

"Hey, um..."

"If you want to go after them, I won't stop you."

Terra blinked. "What?"

"You heard me." Isa grit his teeth, tension radiating off of him. "You're the one with a choice here. I'm not the only one offering tours, and your friend obviously misses you. There's no need to follow me around for the rest of the month."

Terra shrank a little. "Sorry, I didn't mean to annoy--"

"And there's no need for any more apologies, either," Isa snapped. After a moment, however, he sighed. "It's not you I'm angry with," he said tightly, "so relax."

"That's what I've been trying to do," Terra muttered. "Look, if I'm... if this is all too much for you, I get it. You don't have to take care of me if--"

"Is that what you think this is?" Isa finally turned to stare at him. "What, you think I pity you? You think this is a charity case? Do I seem like a charitable person to you?"

"No, I--"

"When you said you wanted someone to talk to, what did you mean? Some healthy person to play mother to poor pitiful you?"

"No!"

"Then stop with this reflexive begging for forgiveness. It's as if you expect me to start demanding reparations at any moment for everything Xemnas did." At Terra's silent look, he actually rolled his eyes. "Don't be absurd. All it takes is one conversation for anyone with half a brain to realize you're nothing like him."

It took Terra a minute to find his voice again. "I'm... I'm not?"

"Of course you're not." Isa shook his head in exasperation. "Not one person here holds you accountable for the crimes of the Organization. And besides, your personalities are so different that even I don't get twitchy around you anymore."

Terra stared into his coffee, trying to collect himself. He cleared his throat and mumbled, "Can I... ask something?"

Isa just sipped his coffee, eyebrows raised.

"What was Xemnas like?"

Isa frowned, but for once the expression seemed thoughtful. "Sometimes he was distant," he said finally. "Detached. If you spoke to him, you might get the impression that he was not fully listening. But that was a common thread with Nobodies-- we were incapable of feeling invested, so many did not bother to fake it."

He paused, took another sip, and looked away before continuing.

"Xemnas, however, could go to the opposite extreme. Sometimes he became so intensely focused, so scrutinizing, that a person could feel... naked, before him. And he had a certain... aura, I suppose, that made you hang on his every word." He glanced at Terra sidelong. "Not that you're boring. But you don't seem to have that trick of making someone constantly aware of a power imbalance in your favor."

Terra managed a wavering smile. "That's more of a Keyblade master thing." He had noticed the same effect from Master Eraqus, and Master Yen Sid-- that subtle expectation of respect, even subservience-- but he had never thought of it as something they did on purpose. "He was big on secrets, I'm guessing?"

Isa nodded. "He also had a way of making it clear that he was withholding information. Your rank in the Organization determined how many secrets you knew, and if you played nice and pleased him, maybe he'd tell you something. Heirarchy was an important concern for us-- there was a surprising amount of political games for such a small number of people. That attitude came from the top."

"Also kind of a general Keyblade thing," Terra admitted. "You do as you're told, you listen to the wisdom of your masters, and maybe someday if you're good, you'll get to give the orders." Absolute deference to one's elders was baked into Terra's upbringing, and he had never even questioned it until it was too late. "And by the time they decide you're worthy..."

"Then you've already been molded into someone who continues the pattern," Isa finished grimly. "Sounds like a system ripe for abuse."

It was hard to argue with that when he and Isa were living proof. The Keyblade was an incredible power; there was nothing like it in all the worlds, and only a handful of people even knew it existed at any given time. All it took was a single person to slip through the cracks-- just one Master who embraced the darkness and knew how to manipulate about five other people who could stand against him-- to nearly cause an apocalypse.

How would things have been different if there were more active wielders back then? Hell, how much would it have helped to have someone-- anyone-- to talk to about this? Terra had come to think of himself as stupid, gullible, easily manipulated... but he had been intensely sheltered. When he was rejected by the only world he knew, of course he would jump at the alternative that Xehanort seemed to offer.

Maybe Terra was only as exploitable as the culture that had raised him.

He looked toward the door Ven had left through. All three of his companions had Keyblades; none of them had been raised for it. Terra wondered who was teaching them, and what else they were learning. But Isa was not the person to ask about that, and he still was not sure if he was ready to talk to anyone else.

So instead he brought his cup to his lips, though it was lukewarm by now, and took a decent-sized sip. Almost immediately he spat it back out, gagging.

"What's wrong?"

Terra coughed and looked at his drink in shock. "Did coffee always taste like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like-- like _dirt_." He coughed again and grimaced; the bitter taste was still on his tongue. "I never had it before-- you know, before. Did Xemnas drink this stuff all the time?"

Isa blinked, then quickly lifted his own cup to cover his smile. "Interesting," he commented, once he'd gathered himself. "So the caffeine dependence was entirely Xehanort."

"Yeah. Entirely." Terra dumped out his cup in the sink, opting for water instead. "Any other strange habits of his I should know about, before I put something else in my mouth that I'll regret?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Isa chuckled. After a moment, however, he sobered. "There was one thing I've been wondering..."

Terra rinsed out his mouth and swallowed. "What is it?"

"Do you know if Xehanort was ever... physical?"

Terra frowned. "Physical how? Gesturing when he talked?"

"Hands on the arm or shoulder, that type of thing. Or is that a trait of yours?"

"I'm... not sure." Isa seemed to expect more, so he elaborated, "My friends and I get affectionate sometimes-- I don't know, we'll hug each other, Aqua and I might ruffle Ven's hair to mess with him-- but he's like our little brother. I don't think I'd get so touchy with people I'm not close to." Terra's frown deepened. "Why?"

Isa shook his head. "Just something I wondered about." He finished his second cup of coffee and joined Terra at the sink so he could wash the cup. "So, what did you want to do today? It's a little late for another outing, unless you're ready to brave the crowds."

Terra still had questions, but he could tell when a subject was closed. "I don't know. Usually by this point I'm hiding in the library or the guest rooms."

"Library, hm? We could research some of the things we discussed the other day." Isa dried his clean cup with a towel, ignoring the other dishes in the sink. "Or we could keep talking about our depressing pasts, since apparently that's what we do."

Terra shrugged. "Sure. I just like talking to you."

Isa paused a moment, then put his cup away while he waited for Terra to finish washing his own. "You continue to baffle me," he sighed. "Very well; it's your vacation, and if you want to spend it with a reclusive asshole, that's your right. I suppose now we know where Xemnas got his penchant for confusing behavior."

Of all the things Isa had told him, that had to be the strangest. "You think Xehanort was easy to understand?"

"Narcissists and sociopaths are common," Isa said as he turned to go. "You're the odd one."

"Oh, sure I am," Terra muttered, following after him. "Not the guy who claims to be an-- a jerk while he's in the middle of doing all these nice things for me."

"Perhaps you're rubbing off on me," Isa mused. "My deepest apologies if this happens in reverse."

"Yeah, well..." Terra wondered whether that would be such a bad thing. It took some getting used to, but he was beginning to like the deadpan wit and blunt honesty. And he had admired Isa's strength of heart since the beginning. The man didn't have half the advantages the rest of them did in the fight against Xehanort, yet here he was, surviving and proud of it.

"There are worse ways to be," Terra concluded.

This time, Isa had no retort.


	6. Restless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think it's about time I updated something, right? :')
> 
> Tbh I have a LOT of the rest of this fic already written, I've just been struggling with putting scenes in the best order and bringing things up at the right times. Also I've been struggling a bit with my own mental problems, so that's been... fun. :| And sorry this one's so short-- I had to have this scene in there but it didn't go anywhere else. I'm still not satisfied, but I ain't been satisfied with a single chapter so far at the time of posting, yet when I look back months later, I think they're fine. Hopefully this one reads fine too, if you're not comparing it to the 38294729 other drafts?? Let's find out!
> 
> Content warning for more creepy nightmares, Bad Thoughts, etc etc

_"Isn't this what you wanted?"_

_He felt full, overstuffed; the closest thing he could compare it to was getting a vaccine as a child, and the deeply uncomfortable feeling of the injection entering his bloodstream. This one started not in his arm but his chest, the foreign substance spreading out from there. He wanted to scream, to fight, but he could barely move._

_"Shh." Big hands caressed his head and covered his mouth. "It will be over soon. Isn't this what you wanted?"_

_The pain was unbelievable. More hands took hold of his shoulders, his arms and legs, holding him down, all while his chest filled to bursting._

_"C'mon, kid, stop fighting it. You're finally getting a heart! Isn't that what you wanted?"_

_The pain slowly gave way to numbness, and the sensation of falling. With the last of his strength he managed to open his eyes. Faceless men in black coats surrounded him, some actively restraining him while others merely observed; above him stood the boy who had killed him, holding the Keyblade point-down, directly over his chest._

_"Isn't this what you wanted?" he asked, and let the Keyblade fall._

He did not come back to reality with a single snap, but inch by inch as the weapon sank into him. He felt he was drowning in mud; his vision blurred, his lungs refused to operate, and everything was heavy and slow.

When he finally reached awareness, the first thing he noticed was a terrible piercing pain in his chest; it took a minute or two to realize that it was his own hammering heart, that he was gasping and choking like he really had drowned.

_"Isn't this what you wanted?_ "

He tried to remember who had asked him that, but like so many memories from the past few weeks, the details were already slipping away. Part of him did not even want them.

So instead, he fought for the present, and forced this clumsy, half-familiar body to move. He curled his fingers, lifted his arms, pushed himself up, making himself dizzy with the effort. All the while he felt he was being watched, but there was only one other person in the room, snoring lightly on the couch.

Time moved oddly; he had been lying still for so long, and now suddenly he was at the window, and could not remember walking there. He saw a reflection in the glass of a man much older than he was, his face marred by a large X. Intellectually he knew that the reflection must be his, but he could not fully identify with it.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the strain on his lungs. He leaned forward as he exhaled, closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to the cool glass.

It disturbed him that this still happened-- that he could wake up and feel a stranger in his own skin, that he was still missing something essential. He'd heard once that a person could live forever in the memories of others. He wondered if anyone still remembered who he was supposed to be; he wondered if the day might come when even he forgot.

Most of all he feared that he would lose the part of himself that still believed he could get better.

Somewhere behind him, an alarm began to beep, gradually increasing in volume. The man on the couch mumbled something unintelligible and turned over in his sleep.

He did not want to move, but the alarm grew more insistent. Isa pulled away from the window and stumbled over to it, pressed the snooze button, took another deep breath. The alarm rattled against the bedside table and he realized his hand was trembling again. Was he really that anxious or was he merely in poor health? He had come back to his body to find it severely dehydrated and a good eight pounds lighter; apparently Xehanort had not concerned himself overly much with the long-term physical maintenance of his vessels.

Not that Isa was doing much better at the job. His breakfast and lunch these days tended to be several cups of coffee and not much else. His body and mind were constantly screaming at him, but he could never be sure which it was or what it needed, so he usually just ignored it.

Outside, the stars were beginning to fade as dawn approached. Soon the denizens of Radiant Garden would begin their day, and elsewhere in the castle his former colleagues would begin theirs. The ones who had help Xehanort cause all this mess had come back to their old home just a little dustier than they had left it, and taken up their old lives again with a new appreciation for the hearts they had finally regained. Isa could not help but hate them.

The alarm began to beep again. Isa turned it off, for good this time. He had to keep moving. If left to his own idle thoughts, he would reason himself into giving up and ending it all, and that could not be allowed to happen. He would not be defeated, not like that.

So he walked over to the couch, and the latest distraction from the chaos in his head. 

Terra had dozed off yesterday evening while listening to a few sound samples they had taken from the library. Apparently this method worked for him, since he had finally slept the night through, almost eleven hours total. He still had the headphones on his head, though they had been dislodged from his ears and the music player had long since run out of power.

Isa tugged the headphones off and set them aside. 

"Terra," he said softly, "time to get up."

Isa had passed out a few hours after him, reading in the armchair nearby. Without the aid of spells or potions, he tended to switch between two- and sixteen-hour stints, depending on the day's ratio of physical exhaustion to mental restlessness. Maybe Terra felt restless too: he had an odd habit of twitching in his sleep, particularly his hands, which often looked like they were trying to grab onto something. He calmed a little when Isa touched his shoulder.

"Terra," he said again, more insistent, "did you still want to go out today?"

It took a couple of firm nudges, but soon Terra was blinking up at him, disoriented but not looking particularly distressed. After a moment he smiled sleepily, and brought his hand up to cover Isa's. "G'mornin,'" he slurred affectionately, not yet fully awake.

Isa tensed at the contact-- Terra's hand felt heavy and strong, and for a wild second he expected it to grab and restrain him-- but it was more of a lingering fear, something that aggravated the general shakiness he had in the morning, not the extreme panic that he usually got when someone touched him without explicit warning.

Isa sat still for a moment, and the feeling passed. Judging from this and a few past interactions, perhaps his hands were a sort of safe zone, where he could accept touch like a normal human being; it might also be that he'd mentally categorized Terra as a safe person. Briefly he thought of turning his hand over and fitting their palms together, just to test these theories, but he swiftly decided against it.

Instead he just squeezed Terra's shoulder. "We're going to miss the view."

"'m coming," Terra sighed, and let his hand fall away. Isa drew back while he got himself together.

Terra did that same slow rising and pained stretching that Isa had been doing for a while now, as if the very act of being asleep was stressful. Or maybe Isa was just projecting; with Terra it was hard to say. They had spent a decent of time together now, and after getting to know him beyond their common source of trauma, Isa had concluded that Terra was afflicted with a truly burdensome amount of empathy.

Just now Terra was pausing in his stretches to blink at him. "Something wrong?"

"Hm?"

"You were staring."

Isa shook his head. His mind went to strange places when he was tired-- and he was always tired these days. "I get odd when my caffeine reserves are dwindling. Go clean up."

Terra looked a little concerned, but he did as he was told. Isa gave himself the same order: he changed his shirt, brushed his hair, made himself vaguely presentable.

He struggled a little with tying his shoes, and glared at his treacherous fingers. One hand still tingled where Terra had touched it. But thinking about his varied reactions to this sort of thing, especially when Terra was involved, had given him an idea.

He glanced toward the bathroom-- Terra had shut the door-- no one was around to see this bit of foolishness.

Isa sat on the edge of his bed, straightened his back, and took a deep breath. He reached for his magic, trying to draw out just a trickle as Terra had taught him, and pressed his fingertips together. That soft green glow began to flow between them, but it had no measurable effect on the overall shakiness. He tried pouring a little more power into the spell, only to find that he had none.

He dropped his hands, equal parts disappointed and angry with himself for having expected anything in the first place. Terra had said the human body already knew how to fix itself-- and it seemed the mind did too, if his recent improvement was any evidence-- but Isa only seemed to get worse. Whatever he was supposed to be capable of, whatever he needed to get better, it simply wasn't there anymore.

"Okay," Terra announced, emerging from the bathroom. "I'm up. Mostly." He slipped his own shoes on, then looked at Isa, befuddled at his lack of preparation. "Hey, are you--"

"I'm coming," Isa insisted, and stood. He opted for zippered boots today, though they were much less comfortable to walk in. He was not about to fumble over his shoelaces now that he had an audience.

"I thought we had to hurry. Isn't that what you wanted?"

_Isn't this what you wanted?_

Isa paused. The words sent a chill down his spine, though he had no idea why.

He blinked and forced himself to keep moving. He should know by now that this was just what happened when he let himself sit still and think for too long. He brought a book this time, to prevent himself from engaging in any more idle contemplation of his misery today.

Maybe this madness would erode the rest of his mind eventually, but he was not about to let it take him without a fight.

He just had to keep moving.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and tell me what you thought, and if you liked it please check out my other stuff! I plan to write lots more about these awkward sad goobers, especially Isa, my son, moon of my life


End file.
